Moments of Joy Monday: Taking a Me-Me-Break

Good morning, I hope your Monday hasn’t slapped you in the face yet. This will be a regular feature every Monday, outlining the things that have brought me joy that week – books, plays, a lipstick, moments, furniture etc – hoping that they might bring you joy too. This week, it is not hard to list any number of joyful things as I am currently taking what I call a MeMe break in Thailand. I’ve been on a detox and doing yoga and basically just talking to myself for almost two weeks, I find time away from the city and my life every now and again to reset and replenish absolutely necessary for my creativity and life force. (Pause for self-deprecating laugh)

The thing about London is that she breathes. With each new breath, people are sucked into her feistiness and on the exhale others are cast away. She is highly addictive and beautiful on her good days, when the streets shine with possibility and reward. Pubs and clubs and cafes spilling with her wards, laughing and crying, talking and loving, she makes them feel invincible and alive. On her bad days, she pounds you, throwing into your route every ugly thing you could ever see. There is greyness and sickness and poverty and addiction and sadness and wealth and greed and excess and people, oh so many people, saturated and surly. She offers up to you in her palms every extreme to dine upon. You can have your highest and best times here and other times she squashes you underfoot.

I'm afraid that I am actually a shit writer who will never write anything of substance or that anyone reads

I'm afraid that I'll always be someone who said they were going to do something great, but never got off their fucking arse and did it

I'm scared that I will never let myself be in love or near it or close to it and I'll end up alone, with no one, pasting a smiley face on it

I'm scared that sometimes I use things like alcohol or buying stuff to quieten down my neurosis and my spinning mind.

Afraid that really I'm quite selfish and self obsessed

Have you ever had one of those days that pricks you, pinches you, pokes you around; life's not slapping you in the face, it's just cruelly teasing you like a small child would another, pushing your boundaries until you feel like crumbling up into the foetus position and weeping with the fatigue of it. I just had one of those days/24 hours and I hated it. I hated it mostly because my usual mantra is to rise above the angst and the first world problems and the stupid day-to-day shit. I like to play the part of positive and enthused even when I don't feel that even a little bit.

People who are mentally ill or mentally disabled (very different things too obviously, I'm aware), who have the conditions that the words are referring to are not being stupid or overreacting or behaving in an unnecessary way like the slang insinuates. It is not a choice, nor does it make them any less than anyone else. I know that the world still struggles to understand mental health, learning difficulties and those that are not "normal" but I believe we really we need to lead by example and change this way of speaking as we have done for racist, sexist or homophobic vocabulary. It is important.