In this post written over a year ago I wrote down my big fears, my deep dark fears, on the internet. For all to see.
I hope it will help anyone who reads it have the courage to admit and face their own. If we aren't afraid of something anymore, we can face it and we can allow it to exist in our lives without avoiding it or desperately trying to fake nonchalance. I think some of these fears are probably quite common, existing in varying levels in most of humanity; others are more specific. They aren't going to be things like death and spiders by the way... though I am very afraid of clowns.
So here goes, 15 things... off the cuff:
I'm afraid of rejection and judgement from men
I'm afraid that I am actually a shit writer who will never write anything of substance or that anyone reads
I'm afraid that I'll always be someone who said they were going to do something great, but never got off their fucking arse and did it
I'm scared that I still obsess like a teenager
I'm scared that I will never let myself be in love or near it or close to it and I'll end up alone, with no one, pasting a smiley face on it
I'm afraid that I will never be good with money and that will eventually catch up with me
I'm scared that sometimes I use things like alcohol or buying stuff to quieten down my neurosis and my spinning mind. This makes me feel weak and that scares me too.
I'm scared I'll never have children
I'm afraid of life passing me by and not living it
I'm scared that I still don't really know what I want to do
I'm frightened of anonymity
I'm scared of not being strong enough
Of letting people down
Of getting old and unattractive but still feeling and thinking like a child
I'm scared I'm not hungry enough to do everything I want
Terrified of awkwardness or public humiliation
Afraid that really I'm quite selfish and self obsessed
So 17 things actually and I may sound slightly mad... but I already feel better from writing it down. It's like I'm expelling it. Here's to more posts this year about facing the fear. Hopefully the others will have more laughs and less soul-searching. Because really... if our fears are not life or death situations, we are lucky right.. and why do they have so much control over us. Let's get over it.
This post first appeared on my old blog in January 2015.